David, a blond haired old soul, and Teagan, short, feisty, and a little bit crazy, just married. They found a cramped one-bedroom house on the market, completely falling apart. They never asked why they were able to get it for so cheap. Their first thought was since it hadn’t been inhabited for years the real-estate agents just wanted it sold. And then there was also its terrible insect infestation. There seemed to be slimy maggots crawling everywhere on the wooden floors and flies caked the window sills.
It took them three days to realize there was a skeleton in their basement.
And now you know why the house was so cheap.
“I bet it was brutally murdered,” Teagan said with an odd fascination. She stared at the skeleton with wide, shining eyes. They found the body in a closet locked from the inside. Teagan bashed down the closet door, leaving sawdust in the air and scattered bits of wood everywhere. The body hung from the roof by its bound wrists and dangled from the ceiling, spinning in slow circles. Its head was slumped limply to the side. It truly was a skeleton. There was no flesh on the body and it seemed to be swimming in its clothes. The dress it wore looked to be from the ‘50’s – high neckline, a large skirt, and it was decorated in a yellow and orange flower pattern. Although, it was extremely faded and covered in dust and cobwebs. The dress was accompanied by pearls stung around the skeleton’s boney neck.
“It’s not an it, it’s a she!” David said, disgusted by the whole ordeal. He looked extremely pale, even though he was a nurse and saw more death than most.
“Hey, it could be a guy! Cross-dressing was probably big back then,” Teagan looked the skeleton up and down, smiled, and nodded her head slowly.
“It’s obviously a woman, without the indication of her clothes,” David said like a know-it-all.
“Were you checking her out?” Teagan made a face at David.
“Knock it off. This is serious,” David crossed his arms and the crease between his brow deepened. He shook his head. “I’m calling the police.”
“Are you seriously that stupid? Teag, we just found a dead body in our home. This isn’t something we should keep from the authorities.”
“Oh, common! Stop being such a goody-two-shoe. From the looks of her she has already been mourned a billion times over. If you think we are gonna make a difference by calling it in…”
“She needs to be put to rest, for Christ’s sake!” David cut Teagan off and his voice raised an octave. His face turned beet red. “She looks like she has suffered enough,” David grimaced, ripping his eyes away from the skeleton.
“But, David! This is so exciting! We can’t just turn ‘er in. She is apart of this house’s secrets and I am not about to give that up.”
David looked like he was about to explode. “I would rather be set on fire than listen to you anymore,” David turned away and headed upstairs.
“Oh, I can make that happen, baby,” Teagan said in a seductive voice.
“Why can’t you just be normal for once?” David moaned, while slamming his feet up the stairs.
“Then, why didn’t you marry a normal girl?” Teagan yelled.
“Because for some reason I am madly in love with you!” David yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Aww! Love you too, ‘hon,” Teagan yelled back.
David groaned loudly. “Love you too,” he said quietly but sincerely.
Teagan giggled childishly. “I win,” she whispered to herself. She turned back to the skeleton. “And as for you, beautiful, I think you would go perfect with the living room décor.”
“Seriously Teagan, put that thing away,” David said, looking up from the book he was reading and slammed it shut. He felt like he was talking to a child rather than his wife. He looked at the skeleton again and rubbed his hands down his face, sighing deeply. The skeleton sat in an armchair, its clothes removed as they were too big for the bones. Teagan crossed one of the skeleton’s legs over the other and placed a lit pipe in her unhinged jaw.
“We can’t just throw her out on the streets, David! She’s just a poor, innocent girl!” Teagan said dramatically. She rotated her wrist in a circular motion and placed the back of her hand on her forehead, like she was swooning. “She’ll freeze out there, god dammit! How can you be so cruel!” Teagan began fake crying, wailing into her hands like she was in a poorly written soap opera.
“Wow. Very moving performance.” David clapped slowly. “I hear Broadway is looking for a little orphan Annie. I think you’ll be perfect for the part,” David said in an extremely sarcastic tone but couldn’t help cracking a smile.
“Oh, why thank you. I really gave my all for that one,” Teagan fanned herself with one hand and placed the other over her heart.
“Ugh, I so love to hate you,” David chuckled, picked up his book, and tried to read once more. He set it down again. “But really now, you are taking this way too far.”
“Taking things too far? Pshh…Now that definitely doesn’t sound like me,” Teagan said sarcastically.
“I swear to god, if that poor girl’s soul comes to haunt us because of what you’re doing right now, I will un-marry you so hard.”
“Honey, I think its called divorce now-a-days.”
“Well, I like un-marry better,” David raised his nose in the air and sniffed.
Teagan stuck her tongue out at David. The couple smiled at each other. For once, silence filled the small house. David went back to reading his book and Teagan went back to staring at the skeleton.
“Alright, that’s it!” Teagan said after a few moments.
“Hm?” David said, without looking up from his book.
“You have to go.”
David’s eyes widened and fear crossed his face. He sat forward in his chair. “Honey, I know we have our difficulties, most of the time, but we just got married! I mean, don’t make a decision you’ll regret.”
Teagan waved her hand in dismissal. “No, no, not you sweetie, you’re just fine where you are,” David sighed and leaned back into the chair for support. His heart was still beating hard against his chest. “I’m talking about the skeleton. I think she’s giving me the stink-eye,” Teagan gave the skeleton a quick side glace and shuddered.
“I told you not to mess around with the dead,” David said in a sing-song voice.
“I’ve had my fun, and I’ll admit I took it too far, per usual.”
“Those are the most beautiful words I have ever heard.”
“Shut up,” Teagan nodded to her husband and faked a smile. “Can you go make a coffin or somethin’? You’re a dude so you’re good with a hammer right?”
“Who am I kidding, I’m the male in this relationship. I’ll go do it. You just sit your pretty ass in that chair and be fabulous.”
“I will and I can,” David said and flipped his blond pony tail in the air.
Teagan grabbed her favorite pair of aviators, found a hammer and swung it over her shoulder. She wore a faded beige tank-top and baggy ripped jeans tucked into black combat boots. She lowered her sunglasses and winked at David as she left the house.
The door slammed shut.
With a sudden burst of motivation, David leapt from his chair and took the pipe from the skeleton’s jaw. He found an old blanket lying around and spread it on the ground. Carefully, he placed the skeleton on the blanket. Then, folded both edges over so it covered most of the skeleton.
David sighed. “I’m sorry for whatever happened to you,” he whispered, frowned, and gently rested his hand on the skeleton. “May you rest in peace.”
With a loud bang, a person kicked open the front door, a hockey mask covered their face, and they wielded a roaring chainsaw covered in red. David let out a high pitched scream and frantically skid himself backwards with his hands right into a corner. The menacing man came closer and closer and just when it looked to be the end of David, the chainsaw stopped.
Teagan took off the hockey mask, laughing hysterically.
“Oh my god! Your face!” Teagan doubled over with laughter.
“Jesus Christ!” David gasped. “I should have known it was you.”
“Well, yeah! I just wanted to show you this really old chainsaw I found in the shed. Oh, and we have a shed.”
“You wanted to show me a chainsaw by splitting me in half?” David said, alarmed and a bit annoyed.
“Well, I had to see if it worked, didn’t I?” Teagan smiled widely. “It’s got real power, too. Though, I don’t know how long its been sitting there.”
David sighed. “Well, did you at least make a coffin?”
“Tsh. Yeah? I may be crazy but I am not stupid,” Teagan made a face. She went outside again and carried, with both hands, a coffin made perfectly out of wood. “Hopefully, she doesn’t get any splinters,” she said as she sat the coffin down in the middle of the living room and let out a wheezing laugh. “I’m hilarious,” she said with a straight face.
David rolled his eyes.
The skeleton goes into the box and the box goes into the ground. Teagan dug the hole while David watched and provided encouragement. Once the last of the dirt is piled and packed down, David and Teagan stare at the grave for a few moments.
“I hope you find a nice skeleton boy, wherever you are, and make creepy skeleton babies.” Teagan said, nodding once.
“Teag, that was very nice.” David grabbed his wife into a side hug and gave her a big squeeze.
“I know.” She said, her voice muffled in David’s shirt. David released her from his bear-hug and threw an arm over her shoulder.
“So, now we have a skeleton in out backyard…?”
“Is that illegal?”
“I hope so.” Teagen winked and David laughed dryly. “Common, lets go inside and get wasted.”
“Is this how we consummate our marriage?” David wiggled his eyebrows.
“It better be. You know I’ve been holding out on you for some reason.”
David gives Teagan a look.
“Race you inside?”
“Three, two, one, GO!” Teagan said quickly.
“Hey, no fair!” David called after her, chasing her inside.
~ ~ ~
This is by far one of my most favourite short stories I have written. I spent a lot of time on it and was excited when I got positive feedback on it as well. Teagan is one of my favourite characters because she is crazy and unpredictable and weird. She is full of so much life and she was so so fun to create. I would definitely do another story centered around her and her husband David.
Song of the day:
Call me when your sober -Evanescence